It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
