I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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