I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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