Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
