i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
