Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
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