woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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