I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
