How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
