My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
