Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
