dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
