I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
