My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
