How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
