My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
