remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
