i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
We're too hungover to prance.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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