if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
