i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
i black out too much to be "responsible"
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
