So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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