it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
