I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
