He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
