I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
