Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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