I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
is it fun? or sober?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
