I faked an abortion last night.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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