I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
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To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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