A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
