Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
