Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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