now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
