you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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