please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
