We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
We need to get me chipped asap
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
