she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
