Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
