True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
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he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
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You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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