You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
