the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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