Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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