seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Boobs speak an international language.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
