I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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