He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Randomize
