i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
