On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
