the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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