If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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