Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
