What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
