I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
