like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
