new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Randomize
