If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm at about main and main street
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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