I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
