Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
the condom got lost in my hair
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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