I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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