Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Text me some of your sweat
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