life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
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