so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
