I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
