I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
